I WONDER ...

If you are wondering if you have made a difference in someones life, YES.

If you are all alone and you wonder if there is anyone out there who feels the same, YES.

If you know God loves you, but sometimes you dont feel His prescence and wonder if He cares... YES...
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I have many times sat alone in my room asking myself so many questions:

Where has my energy gone?, Why would give me such a great desire for kids and then not be able to have them?, Have I told my family I loved them enough?, Will I be as blessed this year as I was last?, Could I get an happier? Even, could I be any sadder?

I have come to realize that every little teeny thing that happens, every day of my life, comes together to form who I am. Arguments with anyone, helping others, learning to express my anger, teaching children respect, meeting new people and even disliking them, putting a smile on a strangers face, hugging someone I love and feeling it like it was the first time, making myself do something outside my "comfort zone" and then actually enjoying it....

You know what I think about alot? I think about God and what He feels when he watches me daily. For example, when I get up in the morning and get so rushed, what is He thinking? I wonder if He smiles when I go to the beach & feel the warm sand in between my toes. When I hurt because someone makes fun of me or says something hurtful, what does He do? How does He feel? When I help someone in need & then KNOW that I will be struggling to help myself... I wonder then as well.... When He watches me daily and I pray to Him, does He feel the love I have for Him? Does my family know that I make mistakes and that it is ok too? I bet God smiles when I feel the "warm fuzzies" in my heart when I think about my love for my husband. I love God's arms...

All these questions I ponder upon day to day, but I know God is in control and I am not the only person with these questions.

Lets enjoy the little things in life: puppy dogs, sunshine on your face, water on your feet, a childs hand in your hand, your mother and fathers hand in your hand.

All of these things are gifts from God because He loves us. Take his hand, his nail-scarred hand and thank Him.

He is worthy of our praise!

Love in Christ,
Tara

God is Good... All the Time, All the Time... God is Good ...

We may have many purposes in our life. Yet, no purpose is quite the same for each individual person.

I have always known the many purposes of my life, because I have searched them in the bible, my guidebook. Now, please dont get me wrong, I have not accomplished many of them, but the bible says we will fall and when we do, Jesus will always be there to pick us up.

Think of this: When we want something, not necessarily need it, and we dont get it, we can easily lose sight and become maybe a little angry that we dont get it. Yet, think also of this: We live every day, though we struggle and yet, we have ALWAYS gotten everything we NEED. Is that a coincidence? NO ! and do not let anyone tell you otherwise... We have all we need because Jesus loves us. He provides everything for us... all we need. Sometimes, when it comes time to pay the bills or we check to see if we have that "extra" money for various church fundraisers, Lottie Moon or building fund, etc.... and we dont seem to have it, I do get discouraged. But, God knows the desires of my heart and when I pray, and I look again, I see many things I can eliminate in my spending to give to that cause.

That is one of many things that I find myself getting very discouraged over (wanting to give more money thatn I have to give).

But, there is one other thing that lately really hurts me when I think about it. I have always been one to be touched by music and singing has always been a desire, or passion of my heart, if I may and going through the past couple of weeks has been excruciating. However, music ,once again helped to heal my soul. I have also been struggling with putting myself in God's position. Yes, we may have lost a child from the womb, but God sent His only son - ONLY SON - to walk the sod on which we walk and watch him minister to and love all people from here to eternity. Now, that is a sacrifice. Think about this... I mean, I STILL have a hard time realzing this myself: When the soldiers beat & spit at & ridiculed our saviour, they hung him on that tree and though he was hurt that they treated him thta way, he knew they would .... and still yet.. he loved them. Now this is the part that is hard to realize: In the bible, which is the TRUTH, I learned that Jesus thought of each and every person as he hung. It hurts to know to that I help put him there, but also touched that he would do such a thing for me. And he did it for you. The bible also says if we pray that simple, yet powerful prayer, and ask Jesus to forgive us for doing wrong & to try our best to do better & walk in the ways of God, as the bible says, he will forgive & will NEVER LEAVE US or FORSAKE US. HE is awesome. HE is better than any addiction, any love, any good feeling. He is awesome & loves us. I can feel Him hugging me ... I can hear Him talking to me & I love it. I love Him! ... I have not been alone since! You dont have to be alone either :-)

After reading & studying, I felt like I let Him down, but he forgave me of all of my sins & He will forgive anyone who prays to Him. I will see Him one day & He has became my Father who I pray to & he answers & I feel His love....

When I look at this, I think "He wants me to talk to Him and pray to him all the time. He wants a relationship with me." Imagine going all day or even weeks without talking to your earthly Father. It would definitely hurt him. Well, I look at Him the same way. How much do I hurt him with my sin & not talking to Him and thanking Him for my day or for my blessings I receive? I have a WONDERFUL family, friends, church family, I always have food, and though I dont have alot of money, I have ALL that I need & God always provides. I trust in Him and yet, I fail to worship Him as I need to. I want to show him my love for Him more & more every day.

All of that being said brings me to this: Last night at choir practice, a song touched my heart (they all do) but one in particular and I want to share it with you. Please listen closely to the words & search your heart to find what you can do to worship Him today & every day. Thank you for listening to me today & I thank all who sent their love to Trent, Julia & I.... We love you all so much and pray you can feel the comfort we feel.... Love you all, Tara xoxo

Please, please enjoy this song & listen to it with your heart:

CLICK THIS LINK BELOW TO VIEW A VIDEO WITH THE SONG ( you will be blessed ) ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH-snsXw1as

:-)

I'll Hold You In Heaven...

is the name of a book that I am reading to help me cope with an experience that my husband, Trent & I are going through, which began on the day we found out we were going to be parents: January 8, 2009.

How we came from the highest, happiest place ever to the lowest, hardest place ever is something we will never forget. I hope that I can get through this and be able to type through the vision of a watery keyboard.

Trent & I have a love for each other, stronger than most married couples. Possibly from the trials that we have dealt with that have made us stronger over time. I have always wanted a child with such a wonderful man. Handsome, funny, kind & a heart that holds the love of Jesus. We tried for a long time for a child. Beginning, since we became husband & wife on September 22, 2007. After many hard months, I got laid off from my job in a real estate office on November 10, 2008 & our dreams of a child had to be put off. Many concerns for bills, health, insurance, economy, etc... became our primary focus. Much to our surprise, God had other plans, and after a missed period in January 2009, four POSITVE pregnancy tests told us we were parents. How thrilled, yet scared we were! Many thoughts flooded my mind; how will we pay for a child with no insurance?, where will we put our child in this small home of ours?... and on & on & on. Yet, despite all of your questions, the fact that a living, human being was growing inside of me took all our cares away. God is good. After many trips to get insurance assistance & no help, I got a bit discouraged. But, my wonderul husband re-assured me every time! He would say"Where is our faith?" My frown always turned into a smile when Trent was around. I found myself holding my belly all the time, watching my step, counting every bite of food to make sure my child was healthy & after a trip to UNC Chapel Hill for a doctors visit because of a genetic disorder, I felt very well about my baby & his/her health. My blood tests showed great levels and I was eating perfectly every day. My motivation was great. Until... I started spotting & my backpain increased more & more every day. I FINALLY received care & found out that I was 8 1/2 weeks along already! HOW EXCITING THAT WAS! I had a urine test done & found out I had kidney stones. That was great! I had never been so happy to know that I had an infection because that took away my thoughts of a hurt child. My thoughts of a possible miscarriage vanished. All was well throughout the day of the dr visit until I doubled over in pain every night and my blood loss was increasing. I finally passed a kidney stone & was relieved, yet the pain was not yet gone. My back & urinary tract hurt extremely bad, so any other discomforts, obviously, were left un-noticed. After 3 nights of pain & no sleep, it was FINALLY the day of my baby's 1st ultrasound! With all of my pregnancy symptoms still present, we were very positve! As my husband, Trent & my step-daughter, Julia sat & waited patiently on the doctor, we just giggled & talked & beamed with excitement and happiness. We were floating on cloud 9! Finally, the warm jelly was spread on my uterus & the process began. After a couple of moments, the only thing we heard were questions from my doctor and no heartbeat. My heart stopped.. totally... silent. After realizing what was going on, I looked at my husband and shook my head left to right. I tried horribly to hold back my tears.. no luck. Tears fell from Trent's face and my heart continued breaking, as my step-daughter Julia's confused face looked at me for answers. We were sent back out to the waiting room to wait for a doctor for a vaginal ultrasound. I went back, and still... nothing. Nothing at all. All I wanted to do was hold Trent & cry. I wanted his hugs so bad. My womb suddenly felt very empty - vacant. Somehow I didnt think it would be as easy, this time, to make my frown a smile. We finally saw the doctor & it was confirmed: I am in the middle of a miscarriage, not just kidney stones. My breath was taken away. That child which my hand once held all night was gone. The blod clots I passed in the three days earlier were more than that, it was my child. How excruciating is this going to be? Four days later, to this day, I am still cramping, bleeding & having kidney stone & infection pain. I would be lying if I said I didnt try to put the blame on me. I mean, I HAD to do something wrong: Was it the infection? Was it my protein intake? Was it my stress from trying to receive medical insurance help? Was it the cough meds I took before I knew I was pregnant? WHAT WAS IT? I still cant help but ask myself these questions, Now and when I lie in bed at night, sick and cramping & waiting for this bad dream to end. I want to wake up! I want to be happy & experience a new life that I can carry to see the light of day! I want to see my child, I loved my baby every since the day I knew it was in me & I still do. Is Jesus holding our baby? Will He tell him/her that we love it? That, given the chance, I would have cared for it, changed his/her diapers, kept it clean, smelled it's little sweet neck, and rocked it during sleepless nights & kissed it's tiny fingers and toes? I know one thing, this baby will be loved unconditionally until the day we get to see it. Until then, my friends & family will be my support, after God. I know, some people think I need to blame God for taking my baby away... I cant say that I didnt wonder "Why?" but, never blame. Never. If anything, it was a blessing to get to "hold" my child in my womb the best that I could. We were together for 8 1/2, 9weeks and that I will continue to hold onto. We hope that he/she knew we loved it & we hope it could feel the warmth of my love that we sent to it every minute that it was alive. Our baby's heart DID beat. Our baby IS loved. Our baby will ALWAYS be in our memories. Many "What-if's" will continue to go through our minds, but Trent & I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we will try again & God will bless us again.

Thank you God, for your awesome power to remove any guilt & pain our hearts holds. Because it does, it will for a while. But, to know that YOU hold our future in Your hands, makes things automatically better. You are a great God & we love you. Thank you for our friends & family & their support. Thank you for the beautiful flowers that you laid on the minds of our friends & family to send and help us to know that the smell of these flowers is a new beginning. Please heal my womb that I may carry the child you want us to hold whenever you will allow us to hold it. Help Trent & I to become closer & to lean on you for healing and for comfort. I am eternally grateful for such a blessed family. And I thank you for my life. Teach me your ways & help me to live my life, according to your will. Please take care of our little one. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.