I'll Hold You In Heaven...

is the name of a book that I am reading to help me cope with an experience that my husband, Trent & I are going through, which began on the day we found out we were going to be parents: January 8, 2009.

How we came from the highest, happiest place ever to the lowest, hardest place ever is something we will never forget. I hope that I can get through this and be able to type through the vision of a watery keyboard.

Trent & I have a love for each other, stronger than most married couples. Possibly from the trials that we have dealt with that have made us stronger over time. I have always wanted a child with such a wonderful man. Handsome, funny, kind & a heart that holds the love of Jesus. We tried for a long time for a child. Beginning, since we became husband & wife on September 22, 2007. After many hard months, I got laid off from my job in a real estate office on November 10, 2008 & our dreams of a child had to be put off. Many concerns for bills, health, insurance, economy, etc... became our primary focus. Much to our surprise, God had other plans, and after a missed period in January 2009, four POSITVE pregnancy tests told us we were parents. How thrilled, yet scared we were! Many thoughts flooded my mind; how will we pay for a child with no insurance?, where will we put our child in this small home of ours?... and on & on & on. Yet, despite all of your questions, the fact that a living, human being was growing inside of me took all our cares away. God is good. After many trips to get insurance assistance & no help, I got a bit discouraged. But, my wonderul husband re-assured me every time! He would say"Where is our faith?" My frown always turned into a smile when Trent was around. I found myself holding my belly all the time, watching my step, counting every bite of food to make sure my child was healthy & after a trip to UNC Chapel Hill for a doctors visit because of a genetic disorder, I felt very well about my baby & his/her health. My blood tests showed great levels and I was eating perfectly every day. My motivation was great. Until... I started spotting & my backpain increased more & more every day. I FINALLY received care & found out that I was 8 1/2 weeks along already! HOW EXCITING THAT WAS! I had a urine test done & found out I had kidney stones. That was great! I had never been so happy to know that I had an infection because that took away my thoughts of a hurt child. My thoughts of a possible miscarriage vanished. All was well throughout the day of the dr visit until I doubled over in pain every night and my blood loss was increasing. I finally passed a kidney stone & was relieved, yet the pain was not yet gone. My back & urinary tract hurt extremely bad, so any other discomforts, obviously, were left un-noticed. After 3 nights of pain & no sleep, it was FINALLY the day of my baby's 1st ultrasound! With all of my pregnancy symptoms still present, we were very positve! As my husband, Trent & my step-daughter, Julia sat & waited patiently on the doctor, we just giggled & talked & beamed with excitement and happiness. We were floating on cloud 9! Finally, the warm jelly was spread on my uterus & the process began. After a couple of moments, the only thing we heard were questions from my doctor and no heartbeat. My heart stopped.. totally... silent. After realizing what was going on, I looked at my husband and shook my head left to right. I tried horribly to hold back my tears.. no luck. Tears fell from Trent's face and my heart continued breaking, as my step-daughter Julia's confused face looked at me for answers. We were sent back out to the waiting room to wait for a doctor for a vaginal ultrasound. I went back, and still... nothing. Nothing at all. All I wanted to do was hold Trent & cry. I wanted his hugs so bad. My womb suddenly felt very empty - vacant. Somehow I didnt think it would be as easy, this time, to make my frown a smile. We finally saw the doctor & it was confirmed: I am in the middle of a miscarriage, not just kidney stones. My breath was taken away. That child which my hand once held all night was gone. The blod clots I passed in the three days earlier were more than that, it was my child. How excruciating is this going to be? Four days later, to this day, I am still cramping, bleeding & having kidney stone & infection pain. I would be lying if I said I didnt try to put the blame on me. I mean, I HAD to do something wrong: Was it the infection? Was it my protein intake? Was it my stress from trying to receive medical insurance help? Was it the cough meds I took before I knew I was pregnant? WHAT WAS IT? I still cant help but ask myself these questions, Now and when I lie in bed at night, sick and cramping & waiting for this bad dream to end. I want to wake up! I want to be happy & experience a new life that I can carry to see the light of day! I want to see my child, I loved my baby every since the day I knew it was in me & I still do. Is Jesus holding our baby? Will He tell him/her that we love it? That, given the chance, I would have cared for it, changed his/her diapers, kept it clean, smelled it's little sweet neck, and rocked it during sleepless nights & kissed it's tiny fingers and toes? I know one thing, this baby will be loved unconditionally until the day we get to see it. Until then, my friends & family will be my support, after God. I know, some people think I need to blame God for taking my baby away... I cant say that I didnt wonder "Why?" but, never blame. Never. If anything, it was a blessing to get to "hold" my child in my womb the best that I could. We were together for 8 1/2, 9weeks and that I will continue to hold onto. We hope that he/she knew we loved it & we hope it could feel the warmth of my love that we sent to it every minute that it was alive. Our baby's heart DID beat. Our baby IS loved. Our baby will ALWAYS be in our memories. Many "What-if's" will continue to go through our minds, but Trent & I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we will try again & God will bless us again.

Thank you God, for your awesome power to remove any guilt & pain our hearts holds. Because it does, it will for a while. But, to know that YOU hold our future in Your hands, makes things automatically better. You are a great God & we love you. Thank you for our friends & family & their support. Thank you for the beautiful flowers that you laid on the minds of our friends & family to send and help us to know that the smell of these flowers is a new beginning. Please heal my womb that I may carry the child you want us to hold whenever you will allow us to hold it. Help Trent & I to become closer & to lean on you for healing and for comfort. I am eternally grateful for such a blessed family. And I thank you for my life. Teach me your ways & help me to live my life, according to your will. Please take care of our little one. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.